I think today is the perfect day for me to share this, as its been exactly one year since I started my life at home with J. It’s quite a different sort of post than what you usually see here, as its quite personal and truth be told, I’m more than a little nervous to share this ranting diatribe.
Don’t worry, new recipe coming tomorrow.
I’ve been just assaulted.
No, I’m not saying that I deserved it. I didn’t say that I’d just been assaulted. I’m saying that I’ve been assaulted by the use of a dirty little four letter word- the word “just.”
Namely, the word “just” becomes dirty when its used in the following context:
“Oh, so you just stay at home?”
Ouch. I didn’t realize that word could cut me to the core like that.
“Just.”
The first instance where I was slammed with this innocent and supposedly innocuous word was before I actually even started being a stay at home/work at home mom. I was standing in the operating room at my old job, and we were all discussing my upcoming move. One of the surgical assistants said “So Jacqueline, are you going to work down there or are you just going to stay at home?”
The second instance occurred after I had been living down here for a few weeks. I had met someone new in the grocery store, and our sons were about the same age, which as any mom knows, means that you are socially obligated to try and be friends with this person. This was the third time we had hung out, and she was discussing how she was trying to go to go back to work full-time. And she says to me, “I could never just stay at home. My husband says that I would be so bored.”
The third time, which was probably the most incredulous that I’ve ever been in my entire life, occurred just a few weeks back, when I went to go get a much-needed haircut. The girl that I go to was way behind, and I had been forced to bring Jonathan with me for the first time. I had already waited about half an hour, and couldn’t wait anymore- I was cutting it close on J’s tolerance level. I asked if there was someone else there that could just do it. I have long hair, so it’s pretty hard to screw up the cut. There was a guy standing at the desk who said that he would cut it. We started chatting, and it turned out that he was from Indiana originally as well, AND was a Notre Dame fan. I told him that, having gone to school there, I was a Notre Dame fan as well. He looked at me and said, “boy, I bet your parents are SO happy that they sent you to Notre Dame so that you could just stay home and write a food blog.” I was so taken aback, it took me a few solid seconds to get my bearings (and for those that know me well, know that I am undeniably quick on my feet with a comeback). The fact that I was left entirely speechless should show you how the whole thing made me feel.
The final recent instance came via my mother- she had gone out to a social function and had an unfortunate run in with a total stranger while she was there. This gentleman started talking to her and my father, and as with all older retirees/semi retired people, they were discussing their “working lives.” This man, who had met my mother only a few minutes prior, turn to her and said, “so what did you do? Or did you just stay home and do nothing all day like my wife?” I feel as though it’s important to point out that he was still married to this woman, the fact that I find so unbelievable it makes me want to go and find out who she is and tell her that her husband said this about her.
Now, I’m not sure if people are actually just this awful, just this socially inept, or just that rude, but WOW.
So let me break it down for you. Not that I need to, or should ever have to, but here’s my “just”ification, most of which I dished back to the hairdresser:
“Well, actually, I had a extremely wonderful and successful job that I had to leave behind when we moved here so my husband could finish his medical training. I looked into doing the same thing here, but the opportunities that were available required me to work even more hours for less money. Considering I was already struggling with being away from my son on a daily basis, feeling like I missed so much of his first year, and being unbelievably stressed whenever I would get called in while I was “on call,” which was happening with increased frequency, and my husband was also on call or at work, we decided that I would stay at home and see how it went.”
“I supported both of us through four years of med school and 3 years of residency, which allowed him to work on paying off his student loans that total more than our mortgage. I bought us our first house. So. Yeah.”
The thing that I actually find interesting is how the gender opinions on the matter seem to have changed. In my generation, most of the outward judgment comes from other women, while the men are faster to say “I could never stay at home.” Dave, in fact, will say it quite often. It seems in older generations, its men that seem to carry the opinion that stay at home parents don’t do anything… or anything worthwhile, anyway. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again- I would never judge other parents for going out and working, so why should I be looked down upon for being at home? Hell, there are plenty of days where, frankly, I yearn for the ability to be gone from here for 8 hours, accomplish things the first time I set out to do them, and talk to other adults, most of whom won’t argue with me 12 times a day, and occasionally have someone tell me that I’m doing a good job.
So what is it? Is this another manifestation of the “mom wars” competition and condescension? Jealousy? The grass is always greener? Rudeness and disrespect?
Now that I’ve been at home for a full year, all I can say is “wow.” This new role is the biggest challenge I’ve ever taken on in my life. I’ve never been in a position where I have such high highs, followed by moments of the most intense frustration. I have my patience challenged daily. I feel elated when I teach him something new, like his ABCs, or how to color, and like I have accomplished so little when he throws a tantrum over not being allowed to have doughnuts for dinner. I work my ass off all day, every day. I am often the first one up, and ALWAYS the last one to bed. There are days where I second guess my decision, as I think that many other people automatically write me off or assume I’m much less interesting. That has actually been the hardest part of all of this for me.
But trust me. There’s no “just” involved. Except for this: Like all parents, I’m “just” doing what works best for our little family at this moment in time.
I’m a little unsure as to why I felt compelled to write all of this down, as I am typically not one to get so personal, other than to share amusing anecdotes of the chaos that surrounds me on a daily basis. I almost felt as though I had to use my platform here to defend myself, which is unfortunate. I shouldn’t feel that way. I shouldn’t feel like I have to justify what I’m doing.
I suppose the biggest thing I’m saying is that I shouldn’t have to post this. I shouldn’t have to hear that I shouldn’t have gone to one of the best colleges in the country, because my toddler won’t care where I went to school (yes, that was actually said to me by a human being) or that I should hang my degree above the washing machine (said to someone I know). I’m not even posting this to make myself feel better. Its more to say, “WTF, people? Whats your dealio?”
Blair says
Ugh. I can totally relate. 🙁 I have an Ivy League degree, but staying at home with my boys is the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s also the most important job, in my opinion. Chin up, friend!
Go Go Go Gourmet says
Thanks Blair. It actually makes me feel so good to know how many people related to this piece!
pat bell says
I had 3 kids under 5 and stayed home for 18 yrs. It was the hardest job I ever had. Working in the OR and taking a million hours of call was a breeze compared to staying at home. Any person who uses the just word should try it. Jacqueline you have my permission to smack the next person who says JUST.
Go Go Go Gourmet says
Thanks Pat. I agree, I work so intensely and for so many hours per day- sun up til WAY after the sun goes down. Anyone who thinks staying at home isn’t work clearly didn’t spend much time there. And I will take that permission and use it!
pat bell says
Go for it girl!!!!!!
Joanne says
I have the upmost respect for you! Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs to do.
Go Go Go Gourmet says
Thank you! I concur COMPLETELY.
Sandy says
When will people learn. I stayed home to raise 6 wonderful people. This opportunity is the biggest blessing in my life. I must admit that some days it didn’t feel. That way though. Both working moms and stay at home moms have their challenges and rewards. We should respect each other’s decisions. My husband and I made many sacrifices so that I could stay home and they were all worth it. My baby just finished freshman year of college and I still feel like it’s valuable to be here. Now I can help when my grandson can’t go to his day care. I love that too. I am also a college graduate that sacrificed having a career to do what my husband and I knew would work best for our family.
Go Go Go Gourmet says
Thank you Sandy! I agree, I don’t understand what has happened to people- I was raised to be respectful of other people, and if I didn’t have something nice to say, I shut up. Being a mom is all work, all the time, no matter where you are. You are always working and worrying and second guessing every decision you make. Kudos to you for making it through six kids; just the ONE is slowly killing me right now! Haha.
Rob says
So you’re *just* a hairdresser?
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/05/02/why-stay-at-home-moms-should-earn-a-115000-salary/
Basically, if we’re basing value on earned income, all of these “justers” can go… friend… themselves.
Hearts J!
-R
Go Go Go Gourmet says
That is EXACTLY what I thought after the fact. Its not like it was a Nobel Peace Prize winner. I might be accepting of that.
Sarah @ The Gold Lining Girl says
I would find this frustrating as well. I think all moms are super human. Taking care of kids is such a huge responsibility, and I barely get enough accomplished without having any. I don’t know how you do it, honestly.
I don’t relate to this treatment specifically, but I also have issues that I get on my soapbox about. I totally get the frustration of the stereotyping.
As a woman who cannot have children, I get SO FED UP with people who assume 1.that every woman has the ability to procreate, and 2. that they want children in the first place. Not every woman has the same goals and ambitions in life. Sick of the assumption that I want kids and can have kids.
I also don’t necessarily ever want to get married, and I get even more tired of the assumptions that 1. I do want to get married 2. I must sit around hoping and praying and waiting with baited breath for my S.O. to propose to me 3. that I don’t have a say in the future of my own relationship with my S.O. and that our future must be entirely up to him 4. that the reason we aren’t married must be because HE doesn’t want to, because, of course, ALL women want that fairytale. NOT.
Again, not every person strives for the same goals in life. I cannot tell you how many comments I get from rude-ass people asking why we aren’t married, when we’re getting married, and that I must be getting “impatient” and “irritated” with him because we aren’t. They have no idea what we want for our future, and it’s none of their business anyway. Not okay. The pressure from society gets to me, and actually makes me LESS inclined to want to do it. Marriage does not automatically equal happiness, but if you asked a lot of people, they apparently think it does…
End rant. For now. 🙂 Glad you opened up a dialogue like this.
Go Go Go Gourmet says
Thanks Sarah. I’m so glad I did too! It makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not alone. Bottom line is, people really just need to shut up and mind their own business. There is something to say for “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Stacey @ Bake Eat Repeat says
Ugh, Jacqueline, I completely understand. I have heard the “just” word SO MANY TIMES since deciding to stay home with my kids 10 years ago (holy crap that’s a long time now!). It’s so annoying, I even found myself saying it for a while. And then I realized that I’m not “just” a stay at home mom, it’s the most important thing I could be doing right now. Definitely more important than using that degree and missing so much in my kids lives. It’s not the choice for everyone, but it was the right choice for me and my family.
Go Go Go Gourmet says
Ugh, do NOT “just” yourself. This job is no freaking joke. The “two”s are absolutely killing me right now and I think I’m going to end up in a mental institution. You just have to do number 1. what you have to do and then number 2. what will make you the best version of you!
Michele Robison says
I understand exactly how you feel, I was a ‘stay at home’ Mom, as well, my husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and, we moved all over the world. I say ‘we’, but, I was the one that moved, alone, with our 2 kids, found a house, found the best drs., shops, etc. I moved into the house alone, set up the furniture, etc. My husband joined us as soon as the Navy allowed……..i was ‘team’ Mother for all the kids sports, taught special ed on a volunteer basis( I was a special ed teacher before the kids), usually was in charge of food when needed for school, new military arrivals, Most military wives are just like me, we are a sort of ‘single’ parent most of the time. Yet, so often, I would hear….’do you work, or Just stay at home with the kids? I hated it, and, still do, Hang in there, it is the Hardest, most rewarding career in the world. God Bless, Michele
Go Go Go Gourmet says
Michele, thank you so much for your kind words. It is certainly wonderful to hear that I’m not the only one that feels this way! Like you, medical wives are usually the lone man on deck- I remember that I had to coordinate four movers unpacking a huge moving truck into our new house while juggling a 1 year old that had just learned how to walk- all solo, since it was my husband’s first day of work. Anyone that uses the word “just” to describe raising children on a daily basis clearly didn’t do much of it. There is no “just” about it!!!
Michele says
yo are sooooo correct! There is no ‘just ‘ in our ‘job’, just remember tho’, that we have the Best job in the world! We have our children and are able to be with them, see them grow, and, we are the ones that can nurture them and show them unconditional love Every day, and, no matter how much they nag, squabble, whine, ……when they say, ‘Mommy I love you’, it is the most wonderful sound in the world! 😉
eileen brennan says
i stayed home for 23 years, best decision I ever made. now back to work full time, and still my kids are my priority. they need me, I leave and tend to them. doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I’m glad they know they can always count on me. staying at home to raise your children is not for the faint at heart, its the hardest and best job in the world. xox
Ebs says
Reading this in 2021. I have a tiny degree from a college no one knows. Got married early in life and have had 7 children in 12 years of marriage. (Lol I cheated and had 2 sets of twins)
This was so encouraging to me. Thank you for posting your thoughts.